Hell of a title I know, but I think it’s important to stress how many times I’ve come and gone from this place.
If you had told me growing up that Taiwan would feature heavily in my life, my answer would have been….where? As a small town Wisconsin kid, I didn’t really think about the world outside my doorstep, mostly for lack of the time to do so.
But somehow this island has seen me at so many turning points in my life and it seemed only fitting that I ended up here again this year, for the first time since 2019. So now here are all the versions that Taiwan has seen of me and I’ll be honest, this post gets pretty personal (and long), so if you’re here for the more happy travel related posts, come back tomorrow, and no absolutely no hard feelings if you don’t read this.
High School Karmen
For those of you that don’t know, I went to a Lutheran boarding school. While most of my time there was not my best memories, it did bring me here. My assigned roommate, who’s from Taiwan, ended up being one of my closest friends. The summer between our freshman and sophomore years, she invited me home for a few weeks to visit.
It was the first time I had been outside of North America, up to that point I had only done a few family trips to Florida or around the east coast. It was also the first time I’d travel without my family.
In a lot of ways, I wish I had taken more of an advantage of this trip. That I had learned more before I went and spent my time better. I was a dumb teenager still, spending a lot of the time at the movies or Starbucks. But, we can only work with what we have at the time and I think you all would find it hard to believe, but back in Elementary and High School, I barely spoke in certain areas of my life. My anxiety made it so that unless you were a close friend, I worried so much about making mistakes and upsetting those around me, that I just spent most of my day micromanaging my actions. After this trip, things slowly started to change for me. I started reading more about the world when I could, I made studying abroad a goal of mine for college, I wanted more than what was at my doorstep in Wisconsin. And for that I am grateful.
Not many photos of the first trip survived over the years, but here’s one where I’m pointing at a bunch of scooters outside a Yoshinoya for some reason.
The Post-College Finding Herself Karmen
The next time I returned to Taiwan, was after college and in a lot of ways, it was probably the worst time in one’s life to move countries, or maybe the best, who’s really to say. I was struggling to find work in my field, I had been through one of the worst experiences in my life months earlier, I was drowning in a lot of ways. The first months there were rough. I’ll admit I worked way too hard, I partied even harder, I cried a lot. I felt guilty all the time that I was doing the wrong thing with my life.
Things started to change little by little though. I met my crowd, took Mandarin classes, I traveled around Taiwan, and took weekend trips to other countries. I was still working way too much most days, back then I was always driven by the feeling that I wasn’t doing enough to deserve being happy. I’d love to say that’s gone away completely, but sadly it hasn’t.
I still question whether I should have stayed longer, but part of me was ready for something else. All I know is that the version of me that left was made better by my time working here. I still am friends with most of the people I met back then though we’ve all spread out location wise over the years. And from my memories and the friends I made, I felt like for the first time in my life, it was okay to want something different then what we’re told to want.
Here is me, being me, I am painfully unable to take “normal” photos when left to my own devices.
The Biding Her Time Karmen
After finishing my taught classes in grad school, I had a few months until my practicum would begin, so I returned to Taipei for 3 months, enrolling in a Mandarin summer course at NTU. I was exhausted when I arrived. My ADHD was still not diagnosed and looking back I struggled more than I admitted when it came to my coursework in Monterey. I used to joke about how I never needed sleep, spending my nights instead at the 24-hour Denny’s typing up papers over bottomless coffee and Moon-over-my-Hammys.
But it was good to be back, I had missed it so much. The hot summer days were spent taking my classes. And the evenings, I spent catching up with friends, walking around parks and nightmarkets. I did one weekend in Seoul meeting up with some grad school friends. It was nice to be out traveling again, but at the end it was time to come back to the US, start my career, and live a “real life.”
Me enjoying two of my hobbies, eating and pointing at things for no reason.
The East Coast Professional Karmen
Four years later, I would return this time on a recruitment trip. I had wrapped up my time in Friday Harbor, Washington and moved into the higher ed sector at Sacred Heart University in Connecticut. I was so excited to be back in Taiwan, but at the same time, I was so stressed the entire trip as I was barely sleeping, trying to keep up on inboxes and deal with student issues with a 12 hour time difference. The trip went so fast, it was bittersweet and nostalgic. I remember feeling so torn at the airport, resenting the fact that I was focusing so much on my career. But I was the Assistant Director of a department, wasn’t that what I was supposed to want?
Look at that stressed out professional thinking she “made it”.
2026 Karmen – Official Title TBD
Since 2019, I feel like nothing is the same.
The pandemic shut down my department about 7 months after the recruitment trip to Taiwan. I got furloughed and came back to Wisconsin for the summer, only to get laid off completely when the fall came. I felt like such a failure, having worked so hard, only to be thrown out the door.
The past few years since have been one loss after another. I realize coming back to Wisconsin, while not my plan, was needed. I was able to spend time with a few people and pets before they passed away, I’ve been able to reconnect and strengthen some friendships, plus I’ve been able to mend some parts of me that needed it.
I know I’ll move eventually, but in these past few years, I’ve come to understand just how fragile everything is. I’ve sat with multiple people in hospice, hearing their regrets. They wished they’d traveled more, they wished they had taken more chances, cared less about their careers, told people how they really felt. And it’s gotten me thinking so much about my own trajectory.
For the longest time, it didn’t matter how much I did with my life, how cool of the adventure I went on, how hard I worked, how much I learned. I’ve continued to label myself the same – lazy, too silly, too much, unorganized, unloveable, and any other version of “not good enough.” But something broke in me the past few months and it feels like the last ounce of me that cared in that way, is gone.
Walking around Taiwan this time around, there was an odd sense of clarity for the first time in my life. I was speaking Mandarin without over thinking, I haven’t felt my usual anxiety or had a panic attack since June. I think for the first time in my life, I’m just sick of keeping my personality small, of worrying about fitting in, of fearing that I’m “too much.” Because the truth is, I’ve never fit in…and maybe that’s a good thing? Maybe instead of making myself small for the world, it’s about time the world catches up.
There’s a lot to think about still and where I’ll go from here, but I think coming back this time around, I realized, it’s time I stop worrying about what I “should” be doing and start focusing on what I want, because life is too short.
The Wandering Wisconsinite 
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